*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
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NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Not helping