[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
You Might Also Like
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I love it all
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.