Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit