Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
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Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?