Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
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I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Animal poetry
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.