Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
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Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
that wasn’t the question
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Miscakes
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.