Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
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“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Tell me you get it…🤣
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Support your local cemetery
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it