Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
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“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Oh deer
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”