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ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
accurate
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare