Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
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I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I hope they boil the right one.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?