flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
You Might Also Like
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!