Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
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I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no