Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
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If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
*offers Batman cough drops*