FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
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Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I occasionally drink every single night.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.