FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

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[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs


“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip


I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.


Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.


[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”


sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”


“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”


TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice


Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.


[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”