Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
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Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Don’t make me out nice you.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
<—- homeless romantic
i spent way too long on this
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.