@Shen_the_Bird

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

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@clichedout

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

@ilovepie84

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

@PaperWash

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

@Marlebean

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

@joeheenan

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

@sadmemes

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

@radtoria

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

@sonictyrant

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish