Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
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I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out