Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
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I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”