Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
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If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?