Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
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My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?