Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
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Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
they really do be looking like this
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I have so many questions.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence