flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
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Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.