Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?