FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
You Might Also Like
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
#NeverForget
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.