flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.