FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
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every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
no their not
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.