flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
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[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
😩😩😩
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.