flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
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I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “