Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
my sentiments exactly
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
listen closely
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend