Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
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One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I can fix him.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.