*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Mad Max Arctic Road
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I unironically love this joke.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo