Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky