*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?