*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

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Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.


CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified


If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.


her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?


*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us


After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..


I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.


Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.


4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.