Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
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The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Jurassic park gets weird
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.