Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Why font matters.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor