*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
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Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”