If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
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Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
*wakes up in hospital*
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
– a lover
– a sniper
Context is important.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.