[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
You Might Also Like
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Owl Sanctuary
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?