[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
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I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
BaD BoY!!
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies