I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
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*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.