@HansGrubertron

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

@_davidlucas_

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

@ellle_em

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

@fleshhost

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

@TheBoydP

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

@TheRealNickKay

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

@RebelJynRebels

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

@Brampersandon_

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It

was

nice

knowing

you