John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
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[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Liver and fava beans
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”