Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
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Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them