Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

I believe the plural is “milves.”

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

I triple waxed for this?

Saving my good tweets for marriage