*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
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Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
pizza
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”