* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
me before I type out affect or effect
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised