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My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
meow
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I think this should do it.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Pot warmers of the day.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.