@RocketRankoon

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

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@WineMummy

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

@clichedout

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

@HMittelmark

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

@Cheeseboy22

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

@ShortSleeveSuit

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

@UnFitz

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

@SteveSuckington

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

@DartsBofficial

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

@amentalrecess

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.