[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
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I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
True statement👍😏😁
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.