[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
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Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works