Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
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16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
just having fun
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat