@slimmy_shady Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
@rickolantern Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
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@slimmy_shady 
@donni Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
@notacroc [spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
@patnspankme MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
@joshesOK My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
@trumpetcake BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
@HansGrubertron TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
@snatch_stache Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
@adilansari Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
@FrazzleMyGimp [in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]