FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
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Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
they really do be looking like this
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.