Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
You Might Also Like
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
my mind
You just read my mind
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.