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ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
The honesty is refreshing
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.