Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
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[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.