Fluff me with a fork baby
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ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….