“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
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cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”