Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
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ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
oh good, now I can stop drinking
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Pretty certain I can more drunk
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”