*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
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Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier