Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
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{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”